my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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