I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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