just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
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we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
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Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize