you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
