the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Come share oat with me in your robe
I need water and some morals
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
