I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
