The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
