I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
