he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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