His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
