i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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