I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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