I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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