I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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