Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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