My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
