260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
