Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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