I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
