sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
