I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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