I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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