Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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