Sry I called you an 8
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
