I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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