My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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