she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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