so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
