Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
