woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
