Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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