my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
