good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
