oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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