You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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