I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
