haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize