why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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