Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
