I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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