Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Cold hands, warm shart.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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