I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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