I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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