Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
