so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
