pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
