I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
