that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
