So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
