So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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