I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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