if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
