i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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