When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
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