why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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