i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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