I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
