im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
